In Due time

January 11, 2010 dstevens11

After an extremely productive and quiet weekend at home, I was real excited to see the kids but  I was kind of dreading my ex dropping them off last night. We agreed too to spend some time talking about Jamie’s yearly exam, and to talk prior to next weeks psychiatrist appointment. 

He arrived at the house around 6:30, all the kids seemed to be chipper including Jamie. I later learned that they had all went to a movie and out to dinner, which was real nice of him to do that. Sometimes like a lot of divorced women, I sit across my ex and wonder why and how did I ever fall in love with this person. He can be so cold sometimes, and hurtful. But there are many things about him that are I’m thankful for, he is never late with the child support, always keeps his weekends with the kids, always pays the kids medical bills, I never have to chase him down compared to many woman I hear have to. He and I disagree about a lot of things, had a real bad break-up (infidelity on his part) several years ago, but have tried to keep a unified front with the kids. We have always disagreed about Jamie, but I have tried to understand and respect his point of view as the father. 

So when I shared with him the latest results; he just remained quiet not really offering anything but seemed agitated. I explained to him that he just can’t keep believing that this is just going to go away with Jamie. It’s real, it’s here, and it’s now. I explained to him that Jamie is going to need his support, and it’s real important to her. AND his influence on the way Drew behaves towards her is unacceptable. He needs to step up and show the family that he supports Jamie in her transition. I also need him to be there on the 18th, share his viewpoints but support and accept the doctor’s recommendation (which is I believe allowing Jamie to start female hormones.)

He asked some detail questions, but never really volunteered any thoughts one way or another. You can see he was reflecting, but now volunteering. When I asked how the weekend went, he said that Saturday they watched a lot of football together and were bummed out that the Eagles lost. They went out to breakfast on Sunday with his new girlfriend (I’ve met her; she seems nice), then went to see a movie. He frustratingly said Jamie basically hung out with Aly on Saturday in another room, while he and Drew watched the games. At my ex’s house, he only has a 3 bedroom so Drew and Jamie basically share a room, which stresses Jamie out. But she primarily says she falls asleep in the TV room on the couch. This weekend she fell asleep in Aly’s room on a blanket on the floor. He said he did not want to make a big deal of it. 

He left not saying much, but did say he will make her appointment next week. I said that would mean a lot to the both of us, and just asked to bring an open mind. We’ll see. 

When I asked the kids how the weekend went, both Aly and Jamie said “boring”, but ok. They went to that movie Avatar and said the liked it. Drew was bummed out because the Eagles lost, and said the game was “brutal”. 

I cooked dinner for everyone, but they just finished up some homework, and went to their perspective rooms.

I got changed for bed, and thought the night was over, kind of flipped on the TV and was going to dose off to bed. Jamie knocked on the door, and said “can I come in.” I said sure honey.” Jamie walked in one of her nightshirts, probably comfortable knowing Drew was in his room for the night, and said “can we talk mom.” She climbed into bed with me, and the tears just started flowing. I was comforting her, but you can tell she was bottling up a lot emotions. She just went  how she doesn’t like going to her fathers, just how uncomfortable and out of place she feels around Drew and her father, she doesn’t know how to act in front of them, she’s tired of being fake….etc. She was like a faucet for about 45 minutes, and I was just holding her and ssshhhing sure, just telling her it is going to be ok, rubbing her back. My heart just poured for her. 

I told her that I think everything is going to be ok, that next steps are going to occur soon. Just hang in there and we will discuss all of this week with her Dr. She is just itching to get started, and I know she is soooo ready to take the steps. We kind of just hung out for a few minutes while she calmed down, and we were watching a show, and she just said out of teh blue about some guy on the tv, “aww he’s so cute.” It kind of took me off guard, I mentioned in the last few blogs that her and Aly were talking like that, but was proud she opened up to me like that. I was like “o really, yeah he is cute. Do you like that type of guy?” I did not recognize the actor, but he kind of dark hair, model looking type. She said, “yeah but he ‘s no Jay”. I’m like WHAT?? “who’s Jay???” 

She said, “he’s this kid in my chemistry class, we’ve done a few projects together, I have SUCH a crush on him.” I’m like “you do? What does he look like?” She said, “he’s tall, athletic, blonde hair (Jamie has blonde hair too) plays on the basketball team, but is not a jerk. he’s got real nice arms. Real cute smile. He’s nice to me” Now at this point I am kind of thrown off, I know some of girlfriends daughters don’t even volunteer any of this info, so felt lucky but at the same time a little taken back. 

“have you ever told him you liked him?” She’s like “GOD NO, I would never” and “I wish I could sooo bad.” I liked him a lot last year (what? really). I kind of flirt with him, without really flirting with him, “do you know what I mean?” (No I don’t it, but ok) “I get so jealous of some of the girls at school and their boyfriends, I wish that was me and I could tell someone I like them. But i want to tell them as a girl, not as a boy.” 

I just said “honey in due time.”

We just talked some more , it was definitely the most open she has been with me. Before she went back to bed, she said “thanks mom, love you.”

She’s coming thru, in due time.

Love, Dana

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Entry Filed under: transgender

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. planetransgender  |  January 12, 2010 at 12:01 am

    I don’t know how to thank you for sharing Dana, it’s like I am living my earliest days of transition again! I will be looking forward to hearing about your upcoming doctor visit on the 18th.
    love,
    kelli

    • 2. dstevens11  |  January 12, 2010 at 9:14 pm

      Thanks Kelli – appreciate the support. Love, Dana

  • 3. Sherry Ann  |  January 12, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Dear Dana,

    What a compelling narrative you write. You have brought me to tears again; but know they are mostly tears of joy for you and for Jamie. From your latest post it really seems Jamie is so comfortable with you. How wonderful you are with your sweet, unconditional love for her. What a special moment you shared Sunday eve; the bonding both of you need, especially Jamie, for her socialization to become a woman. I am so impressed with you and how you are handling a not so easy situation. Your unconditional love is paying off. That she opened up about her love interest and that she has those oh so normal feelings is so revealing about who she is. I kinda think it was a breakthrough moment and a very positive sign. And it is good to know she is attracted to boys; that is not always a given with trans people. Gender orientation and sexual orientation are not always a ‘match’.

    It is also good that she told you she is uncomfortable with her father and brother. I’m sure neither are able to be very supportive because they are struggling with their own issues about how to act, and react. Jamie’s situation is a real problem for them, for who they are. Often the men in a trans (MTF) person’s life have more trouble coping than the women. Jamie may have been Drew’s boy role model in his formative years. Now he must accept an older sister and still be o.k. with who he is. On top of that Drew is getting conflicting messages from his dad. I sometimes feel for Drew as much as for Jamie. Dad could do so much for both of them by getting on board with who Jamie is and taking a leadership role here. It would be great for Jamie but it would save Drew.

    Which brings me to the “talk” you had with the father (don’t know if you mentioned his name). It would be easy to criticize him. He would not win any award for his parenting skills or being an active, participating partner in the current struggle with a trans youth and her brother and sister. That he didn’t open up, talk much, volunteer anything is not a great sign. He is obviously not in a good place and likely does not have positive support for himself and who he is. My prayer is that he is smart enough and/or has the courage to do his own (unbiased) research; he needs to talk to other adult males who have had to go through this. But I do have some sympathy for him. He is not in a good place about this and it is painful for him too. But he could relieve his pain so easily.

    My fear is that he will be resistant to the next step. Let’s hope not. Your next appointment will reveal a lot. I pray that your doctor/therapist will recommend treatment go forward and that your ex sees the light. Not sure it will be that easy. But you are a strong, confident and wonderful loving mom. Your love and confidence will prevail, for Jamie and for the rest of the family. So many people are with you. I wish I could do more for you.

    Sherry

    • 4. dstevens11  |  January 12, 2010 at 9:27 pm

      Thanks Sherry appreciate your feedback. She kind of threw me for a loop, but as you said it was a breakthrough moment. I agree with you about Drew too, I hate to paint him as a bad kid, he is not by any means. Drew and Jamie were really close growing up, and it’s tough to see them now, but he is definitely struggling with it. One day at a time. Thank you for your thoughts and support. It is greatly appreciated! Love, Dana

  • 5. Sarah Jane  |  January 13, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    Dana, I had to stop reading the comments and come back later because of all the tears forming which were clouding my eyes as I tried to read.
    Your strong support of Jamie shows great courage and fortitude on your part. I think Sherry has identified possible future road blocks and detours in helping Jamie become who she is.
    Sarah

  • 6. F. Lloyd  |  January 15, 2010 at 8:51 am

    Wow,what an emotional rollercoaster your latest entry sent me on! You are a very compelling story teller, I so look forward to your entries. It makes me wonder how my life would have been had I felt comfortabe enough, and had the kind of unconditional love that you give to Jamie. You are such a good Mom. I think you should consider putting you story into book form sometime in the future. Take care. Fred

    • 7. dstevens11  |  January 17, 2010 at 10:27 pm

      Hi Fred – Thanks again for nice comments and support. “Put in a book”, LOL. Appreciate the vote of confidence, not sure I am a good writer, but my ramblin is good therapy and it’s help me meet nice people like yourself. Thanks. Love, Dana

  • 8. Jerica  |  January 19, 2010 at 10:00 am

    When you wrote about Jaime coming in and crying her eyes out, I started crying again myself. I’m glad she has her mom to cry on when she needs to and that she can open up about boys to you, that’s amazing!

    Again I’m reminiscing back to my own high school experiences and reaching out to girls, asking them to dances, and getting rejected, etc. How different it would have been if I could have been myself, a girl, maybe I actually would’ve been asked to a dance by some nice guy.

    Anyways, sorry I keep talking about myself in these comments but I can’t help but relate to what Jaime’s going through and yet here I am going through a lot of it, 10+ years later in my life than her.


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