Awe

February 1, 2010 dstevens11
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My friend Patty called me the other day and left me a message about the Tyra Banks episode last week on transgendered children. “You have to see it!!! There are kids on there just like Jamie” I got a few more references to the episode from a couple of comments on my blog. So I had to find it and check it out. Someone referred me to youtube. I have said before I am kind f technically challenged, but I was able to find it. If I knew how to post a link, I would do it. Sorry 😦

There was an 8 year old girl on there named “Josie”. To say the least, I am in AWE of this child, her sister, and her parents. I wish I had half the courage and strength of that whole family unit. They are AMAZING. Josie was sooo cute, but so confident in who she is. Even the other daughter, when she told Tyra “I love my sister because she is transgendered”. Tears just came to my eyes. As you can tell from my posts, I probably over-analyze and over think everything. I guess it just comes out as fear, I have no other way of saying it. Fear of doing the wrong thing, fear of how others think, fear of family, fear for my children, fear of life. I don’t know. I pray all the time that Jamie grows into the woman she has wanted to be. After watching Josie, I hate myself for having Jamie present herself as a boy everyday. WHY DO I MAKE HER DO THAT?  I feel awful. That little girl and her family were so inspiring to me. 

I had Jamie watch tonight, she started to cry. But she was so happy for all of the children on the episode. She was really intrigued by the final woman who was on there, I think her name was Alaina. Sorry if that is wrong. She has already had her surgery. Jamie kind of paused the computer, she was like “I hope I grow up beautiful like her. She seems so sweet.” I think what Jamie so was potential, and she is so excited about her future. Hang in there honey. It’s coming. 

The other person there, who I have traded e-mails with is Kim Pearson. YOU GO KIM! That doctor could be a stand in for my ex husband, that’s exactly what I deal with almost every week. Like they are the same person. They have all the answers and do not consider the needs or feelings of the children. Dr. Marci Bowers (I think I spelled that right) had the ultimate perspective when she said the average age of her patients was like 46 years old. That’s older then me!! There is NO WAY I could ever imagine taking on a life change at that age like that. I can’t even imagine. As she was explaining that to the doctor, he was just talking over her. Marci was so professional and patient in her response, the guy wouldn’t even listen to her or Kim. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!! This is so real, these kids need help. I am glad for Jamie there are people like Kim and Marci out there. Thanks to you both!!

Again I am in awe, I wish I had that strength. 

This was the first weekend in awhile that actually was slow in pace, and pretty relaxed. I needed it. Drew slept over his friends house on Saturday night, and did not get back until late Sunday. I am sure he was saying “get me out of here!” But it was ok. I know he needs some space. He’s been quiet, but ok towards Jamie. 

Jamie, Aly and myself just rented movies all weekend, pretty uneventful which was an event in itself. That’s what I pray for is the normalcy to set in, and I know it’s early to expect that. I know Jamie likes the freedom when Drew is not around, but I think that will get better over time. On Saturday night, I think I have said before that my daughter Aly is a pretty accomplished dancer. She’s into ballet, Jazz and hip hop. She likes it all, and is very good at it. I did ballet all the way up to high school, I loved it, although was not as talented as Aly is. I know Jamie has probably yearned to be able to take the classes. I offered it up to her once before, but she said “I want to go as a girl, not as a boy.”

Back to Saturday night after Drew left, I went downstairs to our basement (half of it is finished the other half is the laundry room) I had not heard from the girls in awhile. When I came downstairs, Aly said “look mom I am teaching Jamie some ballet positions.” I was like “OH”. Jamie and Aly were both dressed in Aly’s leotards, with dance shorts and tights (footless kind). Jamie I doubt would have done that with Drew home, I am sure of that. Jamie just wants to catch up sooo bad, and Aly is such a willing partner. They were just doing simple positions, and plies’ on Aly’s mobile barre down there, but I guess it was cute. Again seeing her there dressed life that is surreal for me to see it, but again good for her, she has no reservations for me seeing it. Which is fine by me. Aly has no issues sharing with her, so it is very healthy. They stayed dressed  like that the rest of the night, while we watched the movie. They got changed into pj’s and just stayed in the TV room all night until morning. They love each other’s company and are becoming very close. I can’t complain. 

Again I sent a miserable “boy” to school today. I know it pains Jamie until she comes home. Monday nights are her new favorite night, because it is Bachelor night. She loves watching her Jake. She gets almost giddy, it’s funny. “He’s soo hot.”

That’s how my night ended before I came up here to write this entry. It’s been two weeks today since she started her hormone pills, so far she says she feels great. 

We still haven’t figured what to do this weekend, when she is scheduled to go to her fathers. Aly will be there as well, with Drew. We’ll see. I may just not send her there. Give me strength.

Love, Dana

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Entry Filed under: gender identity,gender variance,hormones,trans youth,transgender,transgendered,transition,transsexual

18 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sarah Jane  |  February 1, 2010 at 11:11 pm

    As far as the Tyra Shows goes, that man on the show was just a minister, no other credentials of medical training. And yes he was not very nice to say the least of what I have called him.

    You listen to all the advice very well and I am sure you appreciate them, but it is you that has to man the trenches with Jamie so we are only the bystanders who whisper in your ear.
    Sarah

  • 2. Rebecca  |  February 2, 2010 at 1:35 am

    After watching Josie, I hate myself for having Jamie present herself as a boy everyday. WHY DO I MAKE HER DO THAT? I feel awful. That little girl and her family were so inspiring to me.

    You make her do that because you’re her mother, you love her, and taking care of her involves a longer view than the day-to-day. You’re doing what’s right for her future, even if it sucks in the present. And Jamie is growing up in an environment filled with people who lover her, even if not everyone quite ‘gets it’ yet, and with a mother who is reminding her every day of the value of an education. Even when education comes at a cost.

    Please forgive me if I’m overstepping my bounds, as I know that was a rhetorical question, not one you intended people to answer. But, from everything you’ve written, Jamie knows that you love her and that she’s wanted, and that will have to be enough for now. It sounds like there are some changes on the horizon that Jamie is looking forward to, and that will help make the pain and discomfort of going to school in boy-mode easier.

    Don’t beat yourself up. 🙂

    • 3. dstevens11  |  February 10, 2010 at 5:54 pm

      Thanks Rebecca – appreciate your kinds words. It really helps. Love, Dana

  • 4. Jerica  |  February 2, 2010 at 8:55 am

    I still want to find a good copy of that Tyra episode and send it to my parents. =/ The one I’ve seen is all smooshed vertical.

    I know I will cry though…as I always do when I read your posts Dana. =) Still so glad Jamie has a mom like you.

    I imagine it will be a hard decision whether to send Jamie to her father’s or not….you want her to have a relationship with him but he is hesitant for the right kind of relationship and she knows it.

    And don’t beat up on yourself for making Jamie present as a boy at school. You’re just doing what needs to be done RIGHT NOW. There will come a time when she won’t have to do that anymore.

    I know because tomorrow is my last day presenting as male at work and I will NEVER EVER Have to present that facade again. You can look forward to her joy when that happens for her too….as I know she looks forward to it. =)

    Stil praying for you and your family and cheering for you by the sidelines!!

    Love,
    ~Jerica

    • 5. dstevens11  |  February 10, 2010 at 5:56 pm

      Hi Jerica – Hope you made it to your “last day” as a male. As you stated, I know Jamie shares your dream as well. Thanks for the support, Love, Dana

  • 6. Osias  |  February 2, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Hi! I love your blog, but I agree you overthink things. I’m a lot like that, also. 🙂

    Does Jamie have a blog herself? I think it would be an intersting read!

    • 7. dstevens11  |  February 10, 2010 at 5:57 pm

      Hi Osias – Jamie does not have a blog, I will encourage her when the time is right, as I have learned there is a tremendous amount of support out here. Her being a minor, does want her to expose herself. Thanks for the support. Love, Dana

      • 8. Cj Maciejeski  |  February 17, 2010 at 12:46 pm

        encourage her to keep a transition diary, blog, journal, locked with a tiny pink key, whatever. It’s always good to have a place to keep your thoughts during a time like this for later reflection.

        I really just cannot say how proud i am for the two of you. this stuff rips families apart because they hid from the issues. You are not only keeping your family together, but you are working with reality (as opposed to idealism) and affirming the rights of your children to determine their own humanity.

        Best. Mom. Ever.

        -Cj

  • 9. Sherry Ann  |  February 2, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Dana,

    Check your compass.

    You are on course
    The wind is in your favor

    You are making the right decisions, in the right way, for the right reasons.
    We understand your momentary anxiety but stay the course.

    Fear… As any of us who have transitioned will tell you, fear is our worst enemy. What others think cannot hurt you; allowing what they think to keep you from doing the right thing, can. There may be some family who choose not to support but you already know there are so many others who support you, and love you unconditionally. Let that be the strength to defeat the fear. Jamie will grow into a very special person, a woman in the mold you have allowed her to choose. You need not fear what that will look like.

    It is understandable after watching the Tyra episode how you may feel you have not done enough or are hurting Jamie by sending her out the door to school dressed as a boy. But your situation is different. You do not have the support of the father and a shift now could be a setback. It does take careful preparation to create a safe environment for transition. Jamie is becoming comfortable with whom she is incrementally, which is the best course now. Because of what you have done she will not have to go through becoming a man before becoming the woman she is meant to be. That is huge. Please don’t hate yourself; Jamie knows what a gift you are giving her and she will look back at these few months of going to school as a boy as a minor inconvenience on her path to becoming a woman.

    This will not be the last time you question yourself and there will be bumps in the road but your methodical course is best considering the situation, considering the father and other factors. Stay the course.

    You cannot go back on this journey; Jamie did not transition at age 8, but she is in a great place given the circumstances. Regrets are not allowed. You are the courageous one. You did the right thing 3 years ago essentially in the dark without much support. That was awesome. Now that you can see more and know more please don’t beat yourself up about the course you chose.

    You also MUST ignore the genderphobes. There will always be those who want to control others lives and/or who are just haters. And the media is always quick to exploit them in an effort to present a “fair & balanced” report. But for you to dwell on them will pull you away from your primary course of doing the right thing for Jamie and your family. If you can, stay out of the fight while you have so much else going on.

    When you have doubts remember “ ‘Tis the set of the soul, that determines the goal, and not the calm or the strife.”

    Love,

    Sherry

    • 10. dstevens11  |  February 10, 2010 at 5:59 pm

      Hi Sherry – as always your responses warm my heart and is so encouraging. You are a sweetheart. Thank you for the support. Love, Dana

  • 11. Fred Lloyd  |  February 6, 2010 at 2:07 am

    Hi Dana, I’ve yet to see the Tyra episode, I’ve heard alot of good things about it. Please don’t feel bad that you are sending Jamie to school as a “boy”. You are doing all that you can at this time- you know your circumstances better than anyone else. I know I say this every time,but I’m still going to say it- Jamie is so fortunate to have you as her Mom.
    Love Fred

    • 12. dstevens11  |  February 10, 2010 at 6:07 pm

      Thanks Fred – as always appreciate your nice comments and support. Love, Dana

  • 13. Sarah Jane  |  February 8, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    Hope you managed to survive the weekend without too much drama.
    Just think about you and your family.

    Sarah

    • 14. dstevens11  |  February 10, 2010 at 6:12 pm

      Thanks Sarah – just posted a new entry, I am surviving, it’s been a tough week. Thanks for thinking of me and my family. Love, Dana

  • 15. Andip  |  February 8, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    Anything new? Was thinking about you and yours. Hope everything is ok.

    • 16. dstevens11  |  February 10, 2010 at 6:13 pm

      Hi – Just posted a new entry. Thanks for thinking of me and my family, really appreciate it. Love, Dana

  • 17. Sherry Ann  |  February 9, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    Hoping all is well. Thinking about you and your family.

    Sherry

  • 18. Rachel C  |  June 23, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Hi, my name is Rachel, and I’m a 15 year old MtF. I’m just about to enter my junior year. I just wanted to say that reading this made me cry. I’m so inspired by Jamie, as well as the relationship you have with her. I hope that someday, I’ll be able to find the happiness that she has. But anyway, I was just wondering if you lived in the Cleveland/Akron area because you listed TransFamily as one of your websites. I live in the Cleveland area, so I was just curious.

    Thank you!
    Rachel


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