Archive for March 2010




A few good weeks…

Apologize for not posting, not sure how to categorize the last several weeks, but appreciate everyone’s thoughts, comments and concerns.. This is the first night I have sat down at the computer in awhile, which I think is a good sign. I may have sounded a little crazy there for awhile, (deserved the title). But overall the last several weeks have been very productive for our family – especially for Jamie, a few setbacks but overall a lot of positive wins. I am sooo proud of her. A few highlights not in any particular order:

Jamie’s dad finally got to meet Jamie on her terms. After the episode I commented on in my last blog, my ex husband actually initiated a dinner with Jamie, Aly and Drew a few Friday’s ago. Its funny and surprising where allies and support come from, but my ex’s girlfriend (who I have shared before seems put together and very nice and seems to be pretty good with the kids from what they tell me) has told my ex to “wake up” in terms of Jamie – as he put it me. Good for her! Supposedly she has been talking him thru it, and telling him to be more open-minded. Can’t believe it! Thank god!!

My ex did not want me to be there, which again I saw as a positive, and did not take offense to it. But he did ask if I minded if his girlfriend would come. I was skeptical, just because I knew it would be a big moment for Jamie. But that’s when my ex interjected that she has actually been real supportive, and he really needed her support there. I was cool with that. 

When my ex called the kids to set it up, and talked to Jamie, she was real excited. She wanted to overdo it a little, they were just going to the olive garden, so I told her to play it down a bit. “Ease your dad thru this” I have been encouraging her. We have been seeing her therapist more regularly then usual, will explain later, but getting this past her dad has been a big topic of conversation this past month. 

When my ex picked the kids up, he actually came to the door, and welcomed the kids. He seemed to me a lot more put together, then the last couple of times I have seen him. Jamie wore this pretty yellow sweater, skinny jeans (got her past the leggin stage 🙂 ), and some cute sneakers she bought. She looked cute, of course she was all made up, and wearing the blonde hairpeace she has. She and Aly must have confided on dress code, because Aly followed suit and dressed very similarly. As much as Jamie has been hurt before by her fathers recent actions, credit to her, she is still keeping her head high and keepin at it. I think her father’s acceptance is very important to her. Needless to say, she was excited. 

When her father came to the door, Drew kind of went straight out to his truck, not wanting to probably witness what happened last time. It was kind if funny, like “get me out of here.” 

Aly gave her dad a big hug, and Jamie followed her a little hesitantly and gave her dad a hug. But what transpired from there, from a mothers point of view and my heart I knew it would be ok, my ex gave Jamie a strong hug and Jamie squeezed harder. It was so subtle, but WOW!, I knew right then the possibilities were endless. I am not sure where the motivation came from, but it was real. THANK GOD! Of course, I went it inside afterwards and cried my eyes out.

Aly was texting me from the restaurant giving me the play by-play (she is sweet and cares so much about everyone). Everything went very well. No DRAMA! What else can I ask for, nothing! All of your prayers are helping, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Her dad dropped them off a little while later. Jamie was smiling ear to ear. Of course Aly and Jamie were beaming on how cool her dad’s girlfriend is, not that any mom wants to hear that. But I pick my battles. 

Things aren’t perfect in that my ex has not had Jamie or Aly for that matter sleep or stay at his house at all in the last 5 weeks. I know he can’t handle Jamie in the entirety yet, which is not fair to her or Aly, but again will pick my battles. I love having them here all of the time. But the last few weeks have been a huge leap for him. 

Plus Drew has been spending most weekends with his Dad, and quite frankly I think Drew needs to get out of here. I respect that too. He has kind of been a fish out of water, and he needs a little male influence of his father. With all that is going on it has gotten a little femininely out of balance for him here in the house to say the least. Drew hasn’t come out to say anything negative or derogatory, but he just kind of hibernates in his room. He is looking for an outlet. I am a little worried, because this was the pace he and his friends would hang out. I am not sure what he is saying to his friends, but since Jamie has started dressing at home, he is not inviting them here. Which from Jamie’s standpoint, all he has to do is tell her, and she would dress as his friends see her in school, as a boy. So I think he does it out of respect for her, but I think he is feeling a little isolated. Still keeping a strong focus on him. 

To that point, as far as Jamie is doing? I think I referred to it before in my blogs, as opening a Pandora’s box. It’s a theme I have been discussing with our therapist. I guess my expectation of Jamie initially would be a lot of subtle exploration and learnings, and a gradual pace toward “her finding her way home” as I have titled this blog. She has always been such a reserved, shy person. I know that she put on an act s boy, she did her best trying to fit in and present herself that way. I know how much it hurts her, and still does. But I guess I never knew how much until now. I am amazed how she has shredded the male persona she had so easily. Without that barrier she is so funny, outgoing, alive….Her and Aly are constantly giggling, laughing, dancing around the house.  It’s so great to see, but I never thought it would happen so fast. 

She is so much trying to build that life she always wanted. The second she gets home from school, and all weekend, she wants to 100% experience life as a girl. It’s almost like I want her to slow down a bit, and relax. But she wants to absorb everything. 

As always she had taken an interest in my clothing, as I stated before I have given her some of my old and forgotten stuff to explore with. As she has started to build her own stuff, she is less interested with my stuff. Which is good for both of us. Although she is now fixated on my shoe collection (what girl doesn’t want a closet full of shoes), and she is about the same size as my foot. So it works for her, but now I am trying to separate what she can use and what she can’t. Since most of my stuff, especially heels and flats, I need for work. I can’t afford to buy new stuff.  As any near 16 year old girl will do, getting into her mother’s heels is a part of growing up. But seeing her try on want to learn to walk in heels, as she did much of this weekend, is sometimes a little too much for me to see or grasp. Things are moving too fast. 

On the other hand, with Aly, I think she is trying to explore the girlhood she never had at Aly’s age. I think I have stated before that Aly has been dancing competitively since she was 5, and belongs to a dance studio here locally. She’s a beautiful dancer. I could write another blog on how proud I am of her. Well she has obviously collected a bunch of costumes from all of the recitals she has performed in over the years. Jamie has taken a lot of interest in it, so many nights Aly and Jamie have been dressing out in various costumes and fooling around together in the basement. I know for Aly, she is loving the camaraderie and friendship, she does this atuff with her friends all of the time, and its no big deal. But Drew saw Jamie in a full leotard costume get-up last week, that I know made Drew feel uncomfortable. Which I told Jamie, although I know its harmless, she needs to find a little restraint at home. I know she is just exploring. 

I knew this year, especially with her starting estrogen treatment, that eventually things were going to get a little difficult. But I think for her and the more she is getting comfortable being female more regularly, I can see it getting more difficult for her to present as a boy. Which is a dilemma. 

I know she is on a low dosage of estrogen, but I can see subtle changes in her face, especially around her eyes. It probably has more to do with her confidence, but combined with her mannerisms, posture and behaviours she looks female even dressed as a boy. I may think it is just me as a mother, but last week, I picked Drew and Jamie up at school, and Aly at the babysitters and we went to Friendly’s for dinner. Just to grab a quick bite to eat, because I did not want to prepare anything. Well Jamie was coming straight from school in total boy clothes, when the waiter came over to us and asked us for our order, Jamie was sitting next to Drew and he said “what can I get you miss?” Now initially I thought she may be a little embarrassed, but not at all. She was beaming from ear to ear, and never missed a beat and told him her order.  Drew of course rolled his eyes. So others are seeing it too. 

With all that being said, I worry about her safety and well being at school. I am possibly contemplating taking her our of school earlier then planned. At this point, I’m thinking to myself what’s the point? If she is going to start homeschooling next school year, what is the value of keeping her in school now, and putting her thru that everyday. We have talked a lot about that subject in therapy, and we may be heading that way soon. My mother could start helping her out at any point in time, and she can help Jamie finish her studies this year and start preparing for next year. I have to get my ex’s approval, and I doubt he will be supportive on that, but who knows. Especially after the latest events. I know for Jamie it is getting tougher and tougher everyday to put on that face. What does everyone think out there? Is it a horrible thing to do or message to send?

We’ll see…

The other big thing for Jamie coming up is Easter weekend. We plan on spending Easter at my parents house, and my brothers and their families will be there. Jamie and Aly already told me they want to go shopping together for Easter dresses. This will be Jamie’s first, and I always remember when I was a girl, going shopping with my mom for my Easter dress was a big deal. So I will take them both out within the next couple of weeks or so. 

Easter weekend for Jamie will be her unveiling with her cousins, aunts and uncles on my side of the famiy. So she is excited and nervous at the same time. More excited then nervous I would guess. My parents saw her a couple of weekends ago, and they were great. Even with my dad, which I was nervous about was great, so there is a lot of love and support there. I think my brothers will be real cool about it. They will prep they’re kids beforehand. 

We have an upcoming appointment with her endocrinologist, we will see how things are going there. The big decision will be increasing her estrogen therapy come May into the summer. Things are happening fast.

Other then that, hope all is well out there with you. Sorry I have not posted in a while, it’s been crazy busy here, for all the right reasons. Things are good. Love, Dana

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21 comments March 7, 2010

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